"Creativity takes courage."
~Henry Matisse
... Fear that you won't listen.
... Fear that it's irrelevant.
... Fear that this is my dream and I won't be able to see it through.
... Fear that you will listen.
... Fear that my thoughts will hold relevance in your world as well.
... Fear that my dream will come true.
... And then what...?
I've always known without a doubt that I wanted to be a writer. I didn't want to write because I felt that I was any good at it. Rather, because I had a story to tell and memories that I didn't want to forget. My parents always knew it too.
Today, I know that I need to write because when it do it feels like drinking a cold glass of water after your mouth is dry with thirst. I need it. I need it to feel alive. My fingers caressing the keyboard feels like holding the cold, dewey, glass on my fingertips and holding it up to my lips taking a drink and coming back to life.
A year ago, I last left off telling you about the stark contrast between a man who pretends to be everything that you need and one who has been that, in some capacity, the entire time. If that sounds cryptic, I'm trying to tell you that I grew up. I opened my eyes. It took a couple of years of being alone to see things for what they were and to become at peace with my story. Eventually I fell in love with one of my best friends. And I've never been happier.
Sometimes I wish that we would have seen it sooner, even if only a year or two ago sooner. Then I realize what I always come back to. God knows what he is doing. A year or two sooner and we would probably not have been ready for the blessing that we have now.
It's likely to have been the trials and tribulations that we've been through as individuals that taught us what we needed to learn to be ready for this blessing. One of the most meaningful aspects of our relationship is the way that we show each other support. This evening serves as a perfect example. He knows that I long to write. He listens to my dreams, offering encouragement and ideas.
"... So why don't you write some right now?"
"I don't know. I don't know what to write."
"Write anything, Babe, or edit what you've written before."
"I'm scared."
"Scared of what..?"
"I don't know. Exposing my feelings. Whenever I write, I write what comes out. Like what I write on my blog but part of me wants to write fiction."
"Just write. Write anything for a little while. See what happens." "Yes?"
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"Okay."
"I think I want to buy a new laptop first."
"Want to borrow my laptop?"
(Silence.)
"Okay."
With eyes that make everything feel better to me, he hands me his laptop and here I am.
Afraid, exposed and desperately trying to find a direction for where I want to go with this and suddenly I remember another very special man in my life, my Godson Alex Joel.
Recently when talking with Alex about his dreams I reminded him that there is no reason why he cannot achieve them. I told him that the people he admires most are no different from him only that they were courageous enough to take a leap of faith and work tirelessly to achieve their dream. I told him how he needs to be prepared to hear "No" a lot of times before that "Yes" that will change his life forever will come.
He asked me what my dream was and I told him that it was to be a writer.
"Was?"
"Yes, I have a career and a daughter now. I don't have the time and opportunities that you have to pursue your dreams."
"Yes you do."
And with all of the wisdom that one would not expect to pour out of the eyes and heart of a young man his age, he looked at me and gave me the same advice that I had just given him.
So here's the thing, I'm still not sure what direction I want to go with this but I'm curious enough to find out. I know that I don't always want to write about cooking or recipes but I still have a canvas that I look forward to filling with my own colors.
I have a lunch date with my Godson 10 years from now and look forward to laughing at how far we came after that conversation one sumner afternoon in 2015.
I can't wait to see what the Future holds. ...She hasn't let me down yet.
For two special men in my life, Miguel and Alex Joel- thank you for not accepting my fear.
