And then the storm hit.

And then one day the storm hit.  On a seemingly normal weekend, I had gotten up early with the baby, cleaned my house, put a load of laundry in and started cooking.  For months, aside from the bliss of having the family that I' always dreamed of for my daughter and I I had also been winding myself up so tight.  On that seemingly normal Sunday I had the worst panic and anxiety attack of my life.  Actually, I don't think I'd ever had one before.  But I do know that I felt like I couldn't breathe.  In my life I had never known such a feeling.  The strings that had been winding me up and binding me so tight had finally burst.  Miss Perfect fell from grace.  To someone like me, there is no more helpless feeling than how you feel when you need help.  When you can't breathe.

I think about how many times I've said in this very blog how important it is to take care of yourself and your well-being.  In my case it took a panic attack as a wake-up call.

After what I call my fall from grace, I started to really evaluate the things that I could have done better and what I needed to focus on changing.  I said it.  Focus.  That's right, because so often we know what needs to happen but we lack the focus and commitment to do it.

I started with my health.  I had not gained any weight while pregnant, but I gained 20 pounds while on Maternity Leave for 3 months!  I know that all of my life I struggle with a sugar-dependency.  My intellectual mind knows that the human body was not designed to consume the amount of sugars or refined starches that we do.  My intellectual mind knows what happens inside my body when these are consumed.  Then there's the little girl inside me who perpetually craves M&Ms.  She's little but she's powerful.  She takes over.  Time and time again.

See, when I was a girl, we really didn't know about nutrition.  We thought we would get good nutrients from eating canned veggies once in a while. I was also an only child for many years.  I think my uncles and family felt bad seeing me lonely.  Guess how the void was filled?  You guessed it.  M&Ms.  In a given day, if someone went to the store, they'd come back with a pack of chocolates for me.  Then, someone else would go.  Not knowing I had gotten some already, they would bring me M&Ms. In a given day, I could end up with 4 bags of candies.  I was a cute little chunky redhead, always described as chunky or plump.  I'm surprised that as much candy as I was eating that I wasn't much bigger.  I think the reason why was that in or inner city neighborhood we had to walk everywhere so excercise was plentiful. Thank goodness.

At 41 with a hectic lifestyle, caffeine, sugar and refined startches were a terrible combination for me. I had done the Atkins diet twice in the past.  Both times I lost 38 pounds in 3 months.  I'm living proof that it works.  I wasn't too enthused to give up my comforts, but after how I had been feeling lately it was necessary to make some sacrifices and get to work.  My absolute best motivation is knowing that I have my radiant daughter to continue raising and to enjoy my sweet little prince.  I wanted to do that and feel good about myself too.  

So what now?  Time to get to work!  You with me?

Finally happiness is here. Now what?

It's been a while.  I come back, I leave...but I always come back to you.
This time, I have a good reason.  Since I was last with you, I had a baby!  You didn't even know that I was expecting, I know.  So much has changed in my life since my last entry.

I got to where I finally wanted to be in life.  I felt happy, complete, grateful.  I put a lot of thought into whether it was right to become a mother again.  I'm an all or nothing type of person.  I know the mother that I enjoy being.  At 40, did I have it in me to start over?

My partner and I discussed it for some time.  Even after we made the decision to plan for a baby, it still took me months to align my thinking and prepare for a life change, and to once again live for someone else.  I wanted to be completely responsible in my planning.  The more time passed, I became giddy with excitement at the possibility of being a Mommy again.  Then the worry set in.  What if I was past my prime and could'nt conceive?  I remember breaking out into tears one day and him hugging me saying, "that won't happen".  All this planning and strategizing and now that I had befallen completely in love with the idea-  then haunted by the idea of what IF it couldn't happen.

Turns out that a few weeks later I found out we had our baby on the way- and that explains why I had been so emotional and in tears.  I should have known!

I look at his marvelous little face, listen to his giggle and touch the smooth curve of his chubby cheeks and I can't imagine my life without him.  I feel like I completely overthought the idea.  I mean, really.  People having babies is the most normal thing we do, no? In reality, it makes sense why a woman of 41 would give it the consideration that I did.  On the one hand you are more experienced, you don't sweat the small stuff and you're more financially stable at 41 than you were at 25.

On the other hand, your body.  So, yeah.  Your body.  You go through changes that you didn't anticipate and at times you don't even realize are happening.  I was blessed in that I didn't gain any pregnancy weight and I had this ridiculously marvelous glow.  Physically, I had hit the pregnancy jackpot.

Emotionally, I felt happy and over the moon in anticipation of my little one.  My body was another story.  The nausea.  The sciatica pain, the anxiety and trouble sleeping.  Again, ultimately all worth it but you will soon see why this all became so relevant.

I was blessed with a wonderful labor experience.  Both my biological children were a breeze during labor.  My grandmother used to call that a blessed womb.  Don't get me wrong, it's not that it was easy but it was beautiful and bearable.  I had the same experience with both of my children.  Once I looked into their eyes, it was the most spiritually invigorating and alive that I have ever felt.  That is what bliss feels like for me.

Physically, it took me a lot longer for my body to recover from labor at 41 than it had at 25.  Emotionally I was on cloud 9.  I don't think I have ever felt so happy.  Ever.  I just needed my physical body to catch up to the bliss.

The thing about me is that I am an over-achiever.  I do everything big.  Go hard or go home.  That's not always the best way to be, especially at 41 after just giving birth and being the Mom of a teenage girl who still needs me just as much.  Instead of taking care of my well-being I was focused on my kids' well-being, my partner, keeping the house always spotless, cooking gourmet-style meals, laundry and eventually back to my career.  I wasn't sleeping much, or even in a regular pattern.  My partner helps, and my friends always offer to help.  The thing with being an over-achiever is that it's hard to ask or to accept help.

Do you see the storm brewing?