It's been a while. I come back, I leave...but I always come back to you.
This time, I have a good reason. Since I was last with you, I had a baby! You didn't even know that I was expecting, I know. So much has changed in my life since my last entry.
I got to where I finally wanted to be in life. I felt happy, complete, grateful. I put a lot of thought into whether it was right to become a mother again. I'm an all or nothing type of person. I know the mother that I enjoy being. At 40, did I have it in me to start over?
My partner and I discussed it for some time. Even after we made the decision to plan for a baby, it still took me months to align my thinking and prepare for a life change, and to once again live for someone else. I wanted to be completely responsible in my planning. The more time passed, I became giddy with excitement at the possibility of being a Mommy again. Then the worry set in. What if I was past my prime and could'nt conceive? I remember breaking out into tears one day and him hugging me saying, "that won't happen". All this planning and strategizing and now that I had befallen completely in love with the idea- then haunted by the idea of what IF it couldn't happen.
Turns out that a few weeks later I found out we had our baby on the way- and that explains why I had been so emotional and in tears. I should have known!
I look at his marvelous little face, listen to his giggle and touch the smooth curve of his chubby cheeks and I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like I completely overthought the idea. I mean, really. People having babies is the most normal thing we do, no? In reality, it makes sense why a woman of 41 would give it the consideration that I did. On the one hand you are more experienced, you don't sweat the small stuff and you're more financially stable at 41 than you were at 25.
On the other hand, your body. So, yeah. Your body. You go through changes that you didn't anticipate and at times you don't even realize are happening. I was blessed in that I didn't gain any pregnancy weight and I had this ridiculously marvelous glow. Physically, I had hit the pregnancy jackpot.
Emotionally, I felt happy and over the moon in anticipation of my little one. My body was another story. The nausea. The sciatica pain, the anxiety and trouble sleeping. Again, ultimately all worth it but you will soon see why this all became so relevant.
I was blessed with a wonderful labor experience. Both my biological children were a breeze during labor. My grandmother used to call that a blessed womb. Don't get me wrong, it's not that it was easy but it was beautiful and bearable. I had the same experience with both of my children. Once I looked into their eyes, it was the most spiritually invigorating and alive that I have ever felt. That is what bliss feels like for me.
Physically, it took me a lot longer for my body to recover from labor at 41 than it had at 25. Emotionally I was on cloud 9. I don't think I have ever felt so happy. Ever. I just needed my physical body to catch up to the bliss.
The thing about me is that I am an over-achiever. I do everything big. Go hard or go home. That's not always the best way to be, especially at 41 after just giving birth and being the Mom of a teenage girl who still needs me just as much. Instead of taking care of my well-being I was focused on my kids' well-being, my partner, keeping the house always spotless, cooking gourmet-style meals, laundry and eventually back to my career. I wasn't sleeping much, or even in a regular pattern. My partner helps, and my friends always offer to help. The thing with being an over-achiever is that it's hard to ask or to accept help.
This time, I have a good reason. Since I was last with you, I had a baby! You didn't even know that I was expecting, I know. So much has changed in my life since my last entry.
My partner and I discussed it for some time. Even after we made the decision to plan for a baby, it still took me months to align my thinking and prepare for a life change, and to once again live for someone else. I wanted to be completely responsible in my planning. The more time passed, I became giddy with excitement at the possibility of being a Mommy again. Then the worry set in. What if I was past my prime and could'nt conceive? I remember breaking out into tears one day and him hugging me saying, "that won't happen". All this planning and strategizing and now that I had befallen completely in love with the idea- then haunted by the idea of what IF it couldn't happen.
Turns out that a few weeks later I found out we had our baby on the way- and that explains why I had been so emotional and in tears. I should have known!
I look at his marvelous little face, listen to his giggle and touch the smooth curve of his chubby cheeks and I can't imagine my life without him. I feel like I completely overthought the idea. I mean, really. People having babies is the most normal thing we do, no? In reality, it makes sense why a woman of 41 would give it the consideration that I did. On the one hand you are more experienced, you don't sweat the small stuff and you're more financially stable at 41 than you were at 25.
On the other hand, your body. So, yeah. Your body. You go through changes that you didn't anticipate and at times you don't even realize are happening. I was blessed in that I didn't gain any pregnancy weight and I had this ridiculously marvelous glow. Physically, I had hit the pregnancy jackpot.
Emotionally, I felt happy and over the moon in anticipation of my little one. My body was another story. The nausea. The sciatica pain, the anxiety and trouble sleeping. Again, ultimately all worth it but you will soon see why this all became so relevant.
I was blessed with a wonderful labor experience. Both my biological children were a breeze during labor. My grandmother used to call that a blessed womb. Don't get me wrong, it's not that it was easy but it was beautiful and bearable. I had the same experience with both of my children. Once I looked into their eyes, it was the most spiritually invigorating and alive that I have ever felt. That is what bliss feels like for me.
Physically, it took me a lot longer for my body to recover from labor at 41 than it had at 25. Emotionally I was on cloud 9. I don't think I have ever felt so happy. Ever. I just needed my physical body to catch up to the bliss.
The thing about me is that I am an over-achiever. I do everything big. Go hard or go home. That's not always the best way to be, especially at 41 after just giving birth and being the Mom of a teenage girl who still needs me just as much. Instead of taking care of my well-being I was focused on my kids' well-being, my partner, keeping the house always spotless, cooking gourmet-style meals, laundry and eventually back to my career. I wasn't sleeping much, or even in a regular pattern. My partner helps, and my friends always offer to help. The thing with being an over-achiever is that it's hard to ask or to accept help.
Do you see the storm brewing?
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