That Constant Craving...

My version of Ceviche.. or Salpicon...

You know what I'm talking about.  I know you do.  That constant craving that overtakes your thoughts from time to time.  As a matter of fact, it never quite comes at the right time.  It can even be painfully distracting.  You want what you want.  Period.

I won't lie.  It happens to me.  All the time. 

Life, faith and maturity have a way of teaching you which cravings to give into, when and how.  There's even a way to make it fun.

See, I have rules.  I need rules.  I live by them.  I don't even really know how to break them... anymore.  I'm sure there was a time that I did.  My rules are simple to follow though.  Do onto others as you would want done unto you.

One of the things that drive me the craziest in this planet, is people who think "it" can't happen to them, or that the rules somehow don't apply to them.  What makes me apprehensive about this group, is that it often starts with something small like a white lie or omission of the truth.  Harmless, right?  No, not if you are on the receiving end.

I'm not passing judgment either.  At one time or another, I've been on either side of that spectrum.  I'm only saying that maturity and fairness have a way of helping us put ourselves in someone else's shoes.  The rules apply to us all.  There will never be a way to escape that.  We can find creative ways to delay the truth, but Justice is ever so persistent.

I've found a way to give into my cravings.  I always ask myself a basic question-  

"Could the outcome either hurt others, or hurt myself?"

Today, I craved DECADENCE.  I wanted something satisfying but hard to get.  I wanted to treat myself to something delicious.

So I had that conversation with myself.  "After all of the hard work that I've been doing, do I really want or need to be setting myself back?"  

Friends, this is an important question to pose to yourself from time to time- if you're willing to give yourself an honest answer.

I've learned that we all have feelings.  They are ours.  It's okay.  However, just because we have these feelings, doesn't mean that we have to act on them.  And even if it's okay to act on them, not always do we need to act on them now.

Time and discipline have a way of acting in our favor, often guiding us with clarity.  Easier said than done. Been there.  Done that.

To that point, I remind myself that everything I am presently doing to raise my 12 year old daughter will also have an impact on the 16 year old, 23 year old, 35 year old, 57, 65 & 88 year old of her future self.

I look at myself in that very same way.  The decisions that I make for the 37 year old me, today should also be for the benefit of the 40, 42, 57, 65 and 88 year old me.  The should continue to also benefit my loved ones, and loved ones in the future.   I willingly and gratefully shoulder that responsibility to myself and those in my life.

That's why it's crucial to have people in our lives who don't necessarily tell us what we want to hear, but commit themselves to our best interests and guide us toward our best future self. Yesterday, and today were very hectic and aggravating days for me.  Interesting because I don't typically get aggravated easily.  I have a longer fuse than most.  Although, when that fuse blows, duck behind something.  Just, duck.

I've been working out intensely, and religiously. My nutrition is en pointe as always, but using my upcoming vacation as a motivator, I've reduced my caloric intake.  I don't have a long way to go really, it's just that I don't feel like doing it... so that's even more reason to be like Nike... and just DO IT.

When I really feel unmotivated, I call one of my best friends, Brett.  He knows the way my mind works all too well, and can always find an uncanny way to motivate me.  Sure, I hang up the phone cursing him out under my breath, but you know what, I know that he is right.  And, I know that his concern is not just for the 37 year old me now, but for the 40 year old that plans to be in a bikini off the Andalucian coast of Spain.  That's a friend.

My dear friend, and nutrition guru, Brett.

He's also great about finding recipes that will keep me motivated.  Brett knows that I eat berries daily, I absolutely love them.  Back when we used to work together he would often surprise me with blueberries when he came back from lunch.  Me?  Like a kid in a candy store!

Recently we were talking about how chocolate is my downfall.  Later that week he emails me a picture of raspberries stuffed with dark chocolate chips.  Both the berries and the dark chocolate are good sources of anti-oxidants, that keep you healthy, vibrant and feeling great.  You can have 10-20 of these in one sitting and it's so much better for you than a candy bar.

My dessert today.  Raspberries stuffed with DARK chocolate chips.

All day today, and yesterday, I thought about a delicious salad that I had at a restaurant in TriBeCa, NYC.  The restaurant is Flor De Sol.  Excellent in so many ways.  I highly recommend it.
The salad that I had is called Salpicon.  It's seafood, purple onion, olives, peppers in olive oil and vinegar.  I enjoyed it immensely, but since I've kept thinking about how I would make it my own.

For 2 days I have been craving that salad, and the succulent, decadent chunks of crab and scallops tingling my mouth with lemon juice, vinegar and olive oil.  Since I didn't want to go to the gym today, I decided that if I did go, and gave it my all, that I would make this salad for dinner.  That was all the intensity that I needed.  My workout ended up feeling so good that I didn't want to stop and actually went longer.

After stopping at the market and getting fresh Alaskan crab, lobster, scallops, shrimp and clams I went home and put it all together with multi-colored peppers, purple onion, black olives, pepper, a crushed garlic clove, a pinch of salt, fresh-squeezed lime, vinegar and olive oil. I'm sure you have already figured out just how much I love avocado.  You guessed it.  I'm having it as a side to the salad. Divine.

One thing though... remember that I wanted something hard to get?  Rather than buying the lump crab meat ready-made I bought the crab fresh, cooked it and shelled it myself.  Nothing beats authenticity.  Nothing.

 

Eating healthy is a beautiful thing, as long as you respect serving sizes.  I took the rest of the washed seafood, marinade, peppers, olive oil, lime juice, garlic and sealed that in a mason jar.  The acid from the vinegar and lime juice will cook the seafood inside the jar.  You can leave that in the fridge, untouched, for a couple of days.  It's A-MAZING!

It was simple, natural and the time that it took to prepare, gave me time to unwind and set my mind back at ease.  How nice it was to sit with a glass of wine, and have this  healthy and decadent meal that was not only delicious, but it was something that I really, truly wanted- and earned.

That's my point.  It's great to treat ourselves to things that we want.  It's just on a greater level when it's something good for us, that we worked hard for and earned.  When the moment comes, it is a truly delicious moment.

Muy buen provecho!

Straight from my Mom's kitchen

Hey good-lookin'!  What'cha got cookin'?

So, I bet some of you are wondering if I've been cooking, and if so why haven't written about it lately.  I would wonder too.

The truth is that while I have still been cooking, and even some new dishes that you you'd enjoy, I haven't felt compelled to necessarily write about them yet.  Part of it is that I've had challenges with the photos.  I will only use my own photos here.  The lighting in my new kitchen is not the greatest for pictures, although dynamite for ambiance.

The core of the matter is that for many reasons, I haven't "felt" it.  A year ago or so I shared with you that cooking is an emotional experience for me.  Even something simple like a salad, is not really simple for me.  I can't help but to pour my feelings into my dishes.  It really does remind me of that book (and movie) Like Water For Chocolate.

Although it may sound poetic, it can also be a burden.  Some things, and some feelings are too profound and heavy.  Sometimes, rather than to experience them all over again, I rather just put those thoughts into a safe place until I'm ready to reconcile them.

Today, is a special day however.  Today, I'm sitting in my mother's kitchen in The Bronx, NY and watching her cook.  I'm actually sitting in the same chair in the far corner of the kitchen where I told you that Mamita would sit to watch my mom cook & chat with her.  This chair is a tradition.

My daughter, brother and Dad are spending time together in the other room.  My brother occasionally comes in the kitchen to make us laugh or crack a joke.  He is one of the funniest people that I have ever met, and can make my mother and I laugh until we're in tears.  He's also scoping the kitchen and being tortured by the smell of Mami's cooking, repeatedly asking, "Is it ready yet!".  My daughter also keeps doing the same while stopping to play with the magnets on her Nanny's fridge.

Again, my brother just came into the kitchen and just looks at me with that dry sarcastic glare.  I tell him that  I'm writing about him as we speak and he says, "Defamation.", as he walks away.  That's our dynamic, dry sarcasm.  It sometimes makes our mother crazy!

I have a long drive back home and my mom wants to make sure my daughter and I eat "una comida criolla" before we leave New York City.  Home-cooked meals are just her specialty.

This is the lady who taught me to cook with my heart.  As I watch her, I see so much of myself in her.  How much she cares, how deeply she feels her emotions.  How she communicates best with her gestures.

I miss these moments so much, and I treasure them with all my heart.  I couldn't let the moment pass, so I grabbed by iPad and here I am.  I want you to be part of this moment with me.

Today Mami is making Arroz con Costillas y Guandules!  A whole delicious meal made in a traditional rice pot, that used to belong to my grandmother, Mamita.  It's spare rib tips in yellow Criolle-style rice with peas.

Mami starts off with her hand-made sofrito.  She didn't have any pre-prepared, so she does it by hand.  Some people, like my friend Omar, prefer to do it that way.  It's a matter of preference, really. I enjoy both ways of making sofrito very much!  Actually, it's how it tastes and smells that I love... and all of the memories that it brings back.

I love watching my mom in the kitchen. She puts so much love in everything.

Mami cuts culantro leaves, mashes up fresh garlic in her pilon, cuts some white & purple onions, meticulously chops cubanelle peppers and the small delicious multi-colored ajis.  She also sneaks over some fresh-cut peppers and feeds them to me while I'm typing away.  Towards the end, she adds in fresh cilantro.

The trimmed and chopped spare rib tips have been marinating in apple cider vinegar and very little oil, with Sazon, Adobo, black pepper & garlic powder.  Mix well, cover tightly and let marinate overnight in the refrigerator.

In a large pot, already heated, Mami lets the meat cook down- only partially. Once you mix through, you will notice that in the water the ribs have rendered some fat.  Mom scoops this out as much as she can to reduce the amount of fat in the dish.

Then, she smothers the ribs with the homemade sofrito, mixes it through and adds in 2 cans of Goya guandules and one can of Goya tomato sauce.  Mix through again and add your rice and water.  Let that cook through as you would normally when you make rice.  The aroma will drive you crazy!

Serve with a side of garden salad dressed in olive oil and balsamic, and a slice of avocado on the side.  Healthy, delicious Puerto-Rican comfort food!

Muy buen provecho!  

I'm going to stay a while, and enjoy watching my Mami and have her delicious food.  
... I wish that you were here with me!

The Moment...

... The moment you reunite with your childhood dreams.

...The moment when you realize that so many people can't be wrong about something they said about you.

... when you realize you have a lot of work to do & you're up for the challenge.

...The moment when you decide to let go.

...The moment when you realize that what you weigh is your choice.

...  The moment when you realize that your "type" isn't really your type...

... the moment that you realize that love doesn't have to hurt.

... the moment when you thanked God for not doing what was easiest.

(...  the moment you thanked God)

... the moment you let yourself  DREAM.

...  The moment that you answer before he calls to you.

...  the moment that he hears you before you speak.

... the moment when you realize that you see her eyes even when yours are closed.

... the moment that his hand held yours for the first time.

.... the moment that took your breath away. 

... the moment when the truth stirs inside of you.

...  the moment where you decide to trust & obey.

... the moment when you find what you are looking for.

...The moment when it's 2:18 am and you can't sleep until you write this.

... This moment.

Energia.

...I don't care how much you think you know a person.

You can't possibly completely know a person because as human beings, we continue to evolve until our last breath.  

We don't ever know our own full potential.  And if you wake up and decide you've reached your full potential, then it's time to up your game.  Complacency is dangerous.

When it comes to the people in our lives, we hope that their own evolution will complement ours.  What happens if it doesn't?  Is that repairable?  Can you work through it?  I hope so.  I'm a believer that if there's a true partnership, it can be done.

That applies to family, friendships and intimate relationships.  How much do we want to invest?

I thought about that a lot today. I woke up early this morning, and decided to leave a nice roast slow-cooking with some full-bodied red wine, potatoes, carrots and salt & pepper.

Did you notice that I left out the Latin seasonings.  Today, I was all about simplicity.

In the meantime, I went to church, spent time with my friends afterwards, and then went to the gym.  I confirmed something I've known about myself today.  I like to be anonymous at the gym.  Even when approached with friendly conversation, I shy away from it there.  That's my quiet time to reflect...

By the time I got in, the roast smelled divine.  I threw some Jasmine rice in the rice cooker opened up a bottle of Malbec and let myself unwind in a hot shower.   I let the physical exhilaration of an intense workout set in and relax me.  What I had a hard time relaxing was my mind.  Strange, because my soul was definitely at peace.

The question becomes- where does all this energy go? 

Where is this evolution taking me?  Who I am today, is not the woman that I was five years, ten years ago.   I like this one so much better. 
I'm smiling so big right now as I write this... God only knows what's around the bend.  I'm game for what He has in store for me.  He has never let me down.  What I thought would break me, has made me a force.  So then, what's the worst that can happen?

Bring it.

The Myth Dispelled.

The same woman, to the 4th power.

Please allow me to un-confuse...  That's not a word.  I'm exercising my artistic freedom...

To know me is to have someone loyal, and faithful, in your corner.  I play by the rules, I love hard, but not easily.  I'm guarded by nature, and it makes sense why.  I know that I have a lot to give.  To the wrong people, that could potentially consume me.  So I leave it up time, and my discretion.

Now, not many people get that far.  Why?  Labels.  I suppose that it's human nature to try and fit things, and people, into a mold.  Don't bother.  I'll frustrate the life out of you.  I won't fit.

...Come to think of it, neither do you. You are more complex than you may be giving yourself credit for.  And even for those of you who pride yourselves on being "simple", I believe that the mere fact that you think so, proves your depth.

This is why I will confuse you.

I'm a God-loving woman.  I spend hours during the week, reading and contemplating scripture.  I put a lot of effort into sincere prayer.  I relish my quiet time with God.  I'm comfortable saying the "J" word anytime, anywhere.  Jesus.  That's right.  I'm typically in church 3 days a week.

That being said, I grew up with a Jewish step dad, and best friends with a Muslim family.  It's ingrained in me to love and respect others regardless of their beliefs.  In college, I decided to take an academic approach to it all and studied Islam, Christianity and Judaic studies in tandem.  I loved it!

Now, here's another layer.  I love dance.  Any and all kinds.  Growing up where I did, Hip Hop, Reggae, Bachata, Merengue, Salsa, Soca... African & Middle Eastern dance.  That's where my heart is. Percussion.  I dance for fun, and I've choreographed in the past as well.  I come alive when I dance.  Few things bring me as much joy as dancing does.

I was a deejay at a radio station for almost 4 years, and most people didn't know who it was, even people that knew me.  It's always so interesting to me when some people can't assimilate the part of me they know, with the person who I am.  All of her.

Peel another layer...  I am secretly a nerd.  I am passionate about science. As a teen I was in love with Chemistry & Physics.  My biology teacher kept my lab assignments as examples for future classes.  My fascination with science is that in my own mind, it helps me understand my faith.  To me, science proves what I believe about the universe.  It comes second nature to me... like dance does.

Oh, there's more.  Please don't let the red lipstick and hoop earrings confuse you...

My career is something that I am deeply dedicated to an enjoy. I can look back and see an undulating flow of success and failures that have built me up to become a well-respected authority in my field, and among my peers.


My point is... my request is... please don't try and put me in a pre-fabricated box, don't label me.  Don't define me.  It won't fit.  Do you know why?

I define myself as I go along in my journey.  I respect others.  I do onto others as I would want done to me.  While I may seek counsel, I won't seek approval.

The woman in church spending time with the Lord, the doting mother, the girl getting down to reggae on the dance floor, the executive, the academic, the writer, the passionate dreamer- they are ALL me.

And I love her that way.