A teachable Spirit...

I have a lot of time off this December. Come to think of it, I have most of the month off. I saved my vacation time out of habit. 
For many years, I was used to saving my days off in case my daughter had a medical emergency.  It's a blessing that for 2 years now, she hasn't had anything serious.  For 2 Decembers in a row, I've had the chance to just slow things up a bit and download all of the feelings and life lessons that I've been blessed enough to experience during the year.

Today is a very cold, overcast day were I live.  The air is crisp and even in the warmth of indoors my nose is cold and pink.  Tall Pine trees glisten with frosted diamonds everywhere.

This is the first day in such a long time that I woke up with absolutely nothing to do for the entire day.  That's a pretty neat feeling.

I opened my eyes and prayed as I always do.  I begin each day with gratitude and count my blessings.  I've also learned to expect each day to become an array of wonderful moments and sweet surprises.
"..Go out in Joy and be led forth in Peace." - Isaiah 55:12

I asked myself how I envisioned this day to turn out.  All I wanted to do was to slip into a big comfy sweater, soft jeans and furry boots.  A hot cup of black coffee in hand, at the library just letting my thoughts flow through me.  ...And here I am, doing exactly that.

One of the things that I've learned to pray for is to become a "teachable spirit".  Too often in my life I tried to stay away from negative experiences or people.  Looking back, I learned important things from each of them.

Now, I pray for the wisdom to navigate through those experiences but also to learn from them. For me, it feels like an on-going effort to be transformed by the renewing of my mind.  Every day and under different circumstances, I have to almost re-train my thoughts to look for the best in others and in myself.

I always approached life with a plan and strategy.  Yet, the more profound my faith becomes, the more I depend on the Lord unveiling the steps of my path moment by moment, in His divine time.  That's one of the hardest things for me to do, because it means that I have to relinquish my sense of control.  It also means that I have to choose to be patient.  The right things for me will come at the right time, and whatever is not right will slip away regardless of how I may try to hold onto it. 

Faith is a commitment.  It means that you patiently expect what you dream of with an open heart, knowing that your joy will manifest even if not at the present moment.  Your moment will come.

Now, when faced with a decision, I merely pray and open my heart.  I try my best to treat others how I would want to be treated.  That doesn't always work, however.

I've learned that we can try to control our own actions, circumstances and thoughts.  When you add another human being into the mix, you're adding in variables that remain out of your control.  That's humanity.  We're all on this journey trying to do the best that we can.

Sometimes we cause others pain.  Sometimes it's cast upon us.  At some point we have to make a decision about it.  It's easy to know how we feel, but it's so much harder to determine what to do about it.

When the light of this life is extinguished, do we want to look back and know that we lived by principle, and worried about how others see us?  Or do we want to reflect on a life lived with love, support and that positively touched the lives of others?

I choose the latter.

A family of 2...

It's funny how life turn out sometimes, no?

I am such a "family" person.  I'm in my happiest state when surrounded with the people that I love, just doing the simplest things.  I love to just "be" and share the same space with a loved one. 

I grew up with a family and grandparents that I love so much.  My family members all had a deep influence on who I became, and how I appreciate life and my culture.

Sometimes, I feel badly that my daughter doesn't have that connection or those influences, immediately around her.  I moved away and made a life for us here because I thought it would be a wonderful place to raise a daughter.  She is surrounded by nature, has excellent educational opportunities and is exposed to a slower and more peaceful way of life.

Is it worth it?  I grew up in the hustle and bustle of New York City, in one of the worst neighborhoods in the Bronx, but I turned out pretty okay.  My parents kept me as safe as they could and instilled values in me to more than make up for what I was seeing all around me.  I had a lovely childhood, with wonderful memories.

What really brought it home for me was this past Thanksgiving.  We had a lot going on and were unable to travel down to spend the holiday with family.  I know how much she enjoys Thanksgiving so I decided to make a big dinner, with all the fixings, for just her and I. 

We were invited to spend the holiday with friends, and I considered it.  Ultimately, I decided to stay at home, with just my daughter and I.  Why?  Because I wanted to instill in her that although we are just  2, we are still a family.  A family of two. 

We had a good time chatting together while we were cooking, and we kept up our traditions.  For me, that was the most important part, that we were able to do that together.

As a parent, we can only hope that what we teach our children, and share with them, will be remembered. We can only do our best as parents.  One of the best gifts my mother has given me, is that she always talked to me.  She talked to me about everything and anything.

In so many ways, she prepared me for life.  There were times that I didn't completely understand what she was trying to get across to me, but later in life it made sense.  Because she talked to me, I was prepared. I didn't always end up doing things as she had recommended, but I had the valuable insight she offered to me, from experience, to prepare me to make strong choices when the time came. 

Last Tuesday night, we were having one of our usual "kitchen chats" as I cleaned up after dinner.  My daughter asked me why I'm strict.  

I took a sec or two to see how I could best explain. I told her that as much as I love her and feel responsible to her and for her, I feel the same love and accountability to the 23 yr old, 36 yr old, 53, 65 &  88 yr old person that she will one day become.  It's my job to love and protect all of those stages of her future self, even if she's not worried about them at the moment. I am. I care. 

You could SEE the light bulb come on over her head, she smiled and got up and gave me a hug. We talked some more. I think she gets it.

I pray that when my time comes, I made a difference in her life the way that my Mom has made a difference in mine.

Comfort takes time...

Do you know why I despise dating?  Because it takes me a long while to get comfortable with someone. It takes time to see if that person is legitimately all of the things that they say that they are.  Actions speak louder than words ever can.  Cliche but true.  I want you to show me what you are.

I appreciate your words, but it's what you do and how you handle even the small every day decisions in your life that determine who you are, and who you will be to me.

That's why being comfortable with another person takes time. Even when it doesn't work out and you're back to the drawing board, you have to stay committed to yourself and be prepared to wait.  I love that expression, "Hurry up and wait..."

In the meantime, keep being true to yourself and what you want.  Settle for nothing but the best, especially if you treat others honorably, you equally deserve that same treatment from yourself.

This weekend, rather than wrestle with the disappointments that come with dating, I chose to spend time with good friends and loved ones.  I had such a fun time!  I was in the mood to cook and entertain, which my sister and my mom jokingly refer to as my "Nesting" state.

It's a joke, but it has some truth to it too.  I do enjoy making a beautiful home, cooking and nurturing my loved ones.  If it brings me happiness to do so, and it allows me to show the people that are important to me love, bring it on!

Friday, I had my sister over.  I had such a great time!  I ran home for lunch and threw some chicken tenderloins that I had marinating in the fridge.  I put those in the crock pot with peppers, onions, a dash of wine and added some curry seasoning.

 

 Then, I threw in some organic brown rice in the slow cooker with a can of Goya pink beans, a bag of frozen corn, 2 envelopes of Sazon, oregano and pepper.  I added 2 table spoons of homemade Sofrito too. 

Once I got home from work, that smelled delicious. I took some corn tortillas and filled them with the chicken that had been cooking in the crock pot.  I smothered that in shredded cheese.  Then, I added the juices that had cooked with the chicken, sofrito and a can of fire roasted diced tomatoes.  I let that cook in the oven for about 25 minutes.

That was so delicious garnished with avocado, sour cream, queso blanco and shredded Mexican slaw (multi-colored cabage, cilantro, lime, red onion).  Then I topped them off with a special SPICY sauce made with a can of Goya Chipotle peppers and sour cream.  The peppers are so smoky and spicy, so add in sour cream to your liking to make it either spicier or less.

It went delicious with white wine.  We had sparkling peach Moscato. I love that girl for how she makes me laugh.  It was a great night!

The Lonesome Bride...

When you wake up in the habit of praying every morning, you sometimes wake up amidst conversations with God.  Most of the time, I express gratitude.  Sometimes, I wake up asking why.  This morning, I woke up mid-thought, declaring that it would be a better day.

It's funny, really. Things are better than they have been in a really long time. The thing is this, sometimes when we get what we pray for it's terrifying.  You see, I know how to lose things.  I learned how to let go.  I learned how to grieve in peace.

What, then?  What do we do when we get a glimpse of happiness and joy approaching around the corner?  It sometimes means that you are about to succumb to trust.  Trust in another.  Trust that your joy will not be short-lived or based on false pretense.

My parents always said, "This too shall pass".  They meant that the rough times will soon pass and that things will get better.  Somehow I taught myself to hear it differently.  I taught myself that when I start to feel joy, that too will pass. It's life.  It's a fact.  I'm not being negative.  I'm being real. Everything ends.  Pain ends, joy ends.  Right?

Or is that a cowardly view of what we are meant to pursue in this life?  Joy and peace.

I've learned that both are within each of us.  We spend a lifetime pursuing happiness in another, when really it's inside us the whole time.  Why then would we, do we, need another.?  I don't know why, but I do know how it feels to crave for human communion with another.  A level of intimacy that surpasses anything that is worldly.

This morning, in my drive in to work, a procession of tall and regal oaks adorned the road.  They were dressed in their most elegant autumn attire shining brightly in hues of red, greens and gold.  They stood tall and proud as one would stand about to welcome a bride to the altar.

And then I remembered the lonesome bride, dressed all in white that was about to grace us with her divine presence.  Winter was approaching dressed in her gown of diamonds and snow, and I wondered what mysteries she is about to reveal....

Photo from fanpop.com

The Day Love Found Me on the NYC Subway...

My heart was wide open that Saturday morning...  

That alone is uncommon for me.  If you know me, you know that my heart lives in a nearly impenetrable fortress.  
Notice that I said nearly?  
...A child's smile, the way my daughter's hair smells, a dog's loyal, loving gaze.. those things can melt my heart.  Most other things I keep far, far away.  

Why?  I concede, that to some degree it has to do with fear.  Fear, of getting hurt maybe?  
... But if you know me that may not make sense to you.  For the most part, I'm pretty bold and fearless at what life has thrown at me.  

Or, perhaps I'm guarded because God has put in my heart what I truly want.  And I am willing to wait for it.  
Now, I'm not just talking about romance here.  I'm referring to everything that is important to me in my life;  love, family, friends, career and my goals. 
 At 38, I realized that I don't know how much time I have left on this planet.  Knowing that is enough to make me never want to settle for something that my heart & mind are not truly committed to.

Since I woke up that morning, I couldn't contain my smile. June 8th, 2013.  This was the day of my 20 year High School Reunion!  I meditated and reflected on my life in a very profound way.  My heart swelled with gratitude at all of the blessings what were bestowed on us.  I felt privileged and humbled all at once.  Even taking into account the most difficult moments, I realized what a beautiful life I have been blessed with.  The people in my life have been a gift to me.   I woke my daughter up after our bags were all packed and got her and our dog ready for our fun drive to New York City.  First stop was the Bronx where my parents live.  There, we caught up for a bit, and then it was time to get ready for my big reunion.  I had decided on a black pant suit, gold sparkly heels and a matching purse.  I thought it was a sleek and elegant look to go with, without having to wear a cocktail dress.  

Why not a dress?  I love dresses.  I have tons of them.  I think I could run a boutique out of my walk-in closet.  ...That point will become relevant soon.

I chose the pant suit because I wanted to take the subway into the City.  I didn't want to be too dressed up on the train.  I contemplated driving, but besides the issue of finding parking, I really felt like I wanted to be  surrounded by the comfort of my hometown, my people, where I feel at home.

I felt excited. I admit it took me a good 5 minutes to figure out how to purchase a Metro Card from the blasted machine.  There was a transit cop standing right by me who I caught chuckling at my dilemma, without offering to help.  As handsome as he was, I toyed with the idea of kicking him in the shins with my 6 inch heels.  I decided against it seeing how (1) it would have been unladylike, and (2) he could probably have me arrested, and that would have been the end of my High School reunion.  Karma caught up with my devious plot because I once again got stuck.  This time trying to slide the card and pass through the turnstile.  I looked back, indignant.  Already knowing what I would see.  He tried to break eye contact when I looked at him, but I caught the miserable SOB chuckling again.

I furiously clicked my heels all the way up to the platform of the El-Train.  My beloved #4 train.  Famous to many for being on the NY Yankees Stadium line.  Sentimental for me because that train holds so many familiar memories for me and my friends who I grew up with.  Where I grew up, there was no school bus.  We had to take the subway or the bus in to school.  As a kid, you learn a lot about life by keeping your eyes and ears open on the subway.

Once I got up the platform I stood gazing out at my neighborhood with nostalgic longing.  A warm breeze covered me from head to toe, blowing my hair into my face on both sides.  6pm and the sun was shining strong and bright. 

Despite my stoic stance, I was taking in all of my surroundings.  Sights, sounds and people.  The train made it's fiery, thundering entrance into the platform.  We boarded and took our places randomly dispersed throughout the subway car.  We all pretended not to notice each other, for the most part- but we did.  Many of us were very well-dressed, adorned with fancy shoes and handbags. 

In a space with about 40 human beings, the only connections that were being made were with the electronic devices that we were all armored with.  No eye contact. No smiles.  No talking.  And, that suited me just fine.

I got off that train and walked over to connect to the 2nd train that I needed to take.  That platform was underground, with a type of suffocating humid heat.  There I waited longer than I'd hoped for.  Heat and impatience breed all types of negative tempers.  You could cut the tension on that platform with a knife.  

Suddenly the sound of Scottish Bagpipes filled the air.  It didn't matter if you wanted to hear it or not, it was there, and it was loud.  Thankfully, the performer chose to play a sort of rhythmic lament and that somehow made me think that is what empathy would sound like, if it had a sound.  It would sound like this street performer's melodic song...  

At that moment, I felt compelled to show him my gratitude and put money in his can to thank him for his soothing melody.  I know that it isn't smart to take out your wallet and mess with cash in the subway but this man reminded me of the musicians that kept playing while the Titanic was sinking.  That platform felt like the Titanic and that humid heat was sinking us all into misery.

That was precisely the moment where I met him.  That's when so many things came full circle for me. 

A homeless man was approaching slowly, limping.  His clothes were very dirty.  He looked weathered and tired.  In my heart, I wish that I could help all of them.  My heart hurts to see people suffering.

Ironically, he approached me with caution.  I assure you that if you see me, I don't look dangerous at all.  Serious, maybe.  Yes.  But dangerous, no.  Yet, he approached me with what felt like a lot more caution than he had approached others on that platform.  When he reached me I looked at him. Although my heart was breaking, I tried not to show it out of respect for him.  Homeless or not, he was still a man.  And even a man in his circumstances has pride.  In that moment, I didn't want him to see my heart hurt because I wanted to give him the respect that he deserved as a man.

He was an older gentleman.  The skin around his eyes were especially wrinkled, like someone who had spent a life laughing and loving a lot.  In contrast, his eyes seemed glazed over, like the eyes of someone who had cried so much that there were no longer any tears left to cry.  In his face, I could imagine a life that had come full circle.  Joy and pain.

He pointed to his cardboard sign around his neck written with a black sharpie.  It said how he was mute and deaf, was looking for work and needed help.
Now, I realize that some people use gimmicks for this.  I realize that you can't help everyone.  More than anything, I follow my heart first, and caution second.

I took out my purse and handed him some money.  In some way, he seemed surprised, as if he didn't expect this.  He pointed to the sign where it said,  "God Bless you and Thank you", and made the Namaste sign with his hands as he walked away.  I nodded and then did something that caught me even by surprise.  I smiled.  Not any smile, it was a huge heart-felt smile and I returned the Namaste gesture to him as well.
At this, he stopped and looked at me, really looked at me.  
He looked into me. 
I felt it.

He signed with his hands, and tried to mouth with his lips, "You are beautiful."  Without pause, I signed and said, "And so are you.  You are beautiful too."  At this,  he covered his mouth with one hand, and put his other hand over his heart.  For a few moments we just looked at each other.  Then he signed, thank you.  I nodded.  What followed this, was pretty amazing to me.

He asked me for a hug.  And, I did. 
I hugged him, sincerely.  
When we broke the embrace, his eyes were visibly glazed with tears.  And he thanked me.  I said, "No, thank you for that hug."  He stood there as if trying to reconcile the moment.  

You wouldn't believe that precisely then, the train pulled in.  I said goodbye and entered the train taking a seat where I was facing him standing outside.  His hand still remained over his heart, and his eyes still glazed with tears, except now there was an incredible smile on his face too.

It was only then that I realized that the people on the train were watching us.  Some in what seemed like disbelief or disapproval.  The terrible smell of his clothing, lingered on my jacket.  Strangely, I appreciated the reminder of what had just taken place.   As the train was about to pull out, he waved and signed "I love you".  I smiled and waved, mouthing, "I love you too" through the glass window.

Only when the train pulled away, and he could no longer see me, did the tears start to roll down my face.  They wouldn't stop.   They fell onto my shimmery gold purse, making my tears sparkle in the light. I wiped my face and thanked God.   I prayed with so much gratitude.  One may think that perhaps I was attempting to help him when I gave him money.  No. 
It was him who helped me. 
. 
In a world that has felt so cold, and so electronic for so long, this man's smile, embrace and humanity breathed life into me.  That vulnerable soul penetrated the walls that keep my heart distant.  In that moment, I allowed myself to get close to someone in a way that I hadn't in so long.  That moment was a gift, and in his own way he taught me so much.

When I got off the train, I walked a few blocks to the locale for the reunion, where I'm sure many of us were focused on where life brought us, what we do, kids, home, timeshares... and I looked down at my sparkly gold shoes as I walked.  It hit me hard.  None of it matters, if we are not connecting with each other as human beings.  None of it matters if we are not focused on the things that make a difference.  In the end, the only thing we get to take and keep is how we made each other feel.

June 8, 2013.  It was the day of my High School reunion, but it was also the day I felt reunited with me.  

... And with you.

The Gold Purse making it's appearance at my 20th High School Reunion..  One of those sparkles holds the remnants of a tear, from just 2 hours before...

Melo-Drama, Bollywood & Fish...

Scene:

I have my hair clipped up and sort of coming down at the sides.  My eyes feel heavy and tired.  The muscles in my neck and shoulders are so tight.  In the background, you hear an Indian soap opera playing on TV, because the truth is that I'm hooked on Bollywood.  

I have no idea what they're saying for the most part, yet I watch the soaps and own a DVD collection.

Like the Spanish soap operas that many of us Latinas have grown up with, they are full of drama, suspense, over-exaggerated facial expressions, unbelievable fashions, cleavage & lots of make-up.  At any given moment, someone may break out into song and dance.  Often, the themes center around love, hate, passion and forbidden love.  And all of those things, orbit around a secretly dysfunctional family dynamic.

Sound familiar to anyone?

Bole Chudiyaan (Hindi Video & Dance)

One of my favorites.  My daughter, my niece and I can sing every lyric (and have no idea what we're saying..)

Maybe, just maybe life seems like a little bit of a let-down, or disappointment at times when you grow up watching such intense story-lines and drama.  It took me a long time to find pleasure in life's ordinary moments rather than a flashy display of grandiose emotion.

Keep your expensive gifts, and dramatic displays.  Instead, hold my hand, push my hair away when it falls in my face.  Share the silence with me and let it resonate emotions that don't even need to be said.

Yes, it would seem that it took years to un-do all of the expectations that those Spanish Novelas weaved in my adolescent mind.  What makes love powerful is the gem that lays hidden in the bond between souls, not the display case. Sometimes that bond transcends time, and distance.  It's how loyal we choose to remain to that feeling, and how we choose to honor it.

On the up-side, I'm entranced by most things exotic and take so much pleasure in watching Bollywood movies or novelas.  The colors, the language, the dance..  You've probably guessed that my kitchen is subject to this same passion.  I enjoy taking something simple and giving it an exotic flair.

I want to romance your palate, and your senses.

Recently, I had my friends over for some much needed girl-time.  I decided to make what I call Caribbean Curry Fish on a bed of Jasmine rice and some fresh, hot Roti on the side.  The taste of the curry fish sauce and fresh veggies and herbs, tingled your lips and dance in your mouth.  So good!

Girl-time on the porch

Next time you're feeling adventurous, break out in song and dance like a Bollywood movie, and give this dish a try...

Caribbean Curry Fish (Sofrito-Style)

Swai Fillet washed in water and a little vinegar 

 On a large piece of aluminum foil, drizzle olive oil, a squeeze of lime and pepper, sprinkle garlic powder & a small amount of sea-salt.

Place the filet that sheet of aluminum foil, and drizzle olive oil, a squeeze of lime and pepper, sprinkle garlic powder & a small amount of sea-salt- this time on top of the fish.

  Surround filet with fresh spinach leaves

Lightly cover the filet with good quality curry powder to taste.  

I like a lot...

Add in fresh-grated ginger

  Add hot pepper or sauce (optional)

   Cover the filet entirely with red onion, multil-colored peppers, and mushrooms

   Top off with fire-roasted red peppers

.   Wrap & seal aluminum foil, cook in oven for about 35 minutes

   When ready, top off with a slice of fresh lemon and chopped cilantro , rosemary and basil.

Serve with a side of steaming jasmine rice and roti.

The Fever.

You have it.  I have it.  The fever.  Spring Fever.

It's that time of the year when the Earth breathes new life into everything she touches... including me.

You already know how much I enjoy cooking with natural, fresh ingredients.  Now, let's bring that into the bath...

I need to RELAX.  I feel like I've been through all sorts of roller coasters lately.  Exciting things, Ups then Downs. I've been overcome with thought & planning.  It's taken a toll on my muscles even.

If you asked me to go to a spa with you, I'd likely try and convince you to stay home and to give this a try instead.




I like to do these things at home, in my own environment with things that I've made with my own hands.

That's important to me because when I use ingredients or plants that I've prepared, it helps me to appreciate the journey that those ingredients took to get to me, and the hands they passed through.  Each set of hands had their own story behind them.

...Who planted these lemons?
...Who picked them?

It makes me wonder about those people, and what moves them.  What stirs their soul? Eventually all these random thoughts lead me to meditate and put that positive energy to good use. 

Next time you're too busy to go to the spa, are on a budget or just want to give this a try on your own...

Cut a whole lemon in slices, half of a cucumber and half of a kiwi.
Kiwi and Cucumber are terrific for your skin, and your eyes in particular.

I wet a towel and then microwave as hot as I can tolerate it...

It's important that you remain well-hydrated as the salts draw out the toxins.  Be sure to bring a nice, cold glass of water with you.

I like to place white candles all over the bath.
Add in your favorite playlist or CD.
Tonight, I was playing The Weeknd.  So perfect.

Make your own Detoxifying Bath

I bought a large jar, like the one in the photo and mixed

Epsom Salt

Lavender Scented Epsom

Eucalyptus/Camphor Salts

A small jar of ground ginger

1 jar of Sea Salt

These should all be mixed well inside the jar.

Mix in the warmest water that you can tolerate.  Throw in one cup full of the salts into the water.
These salts will not only serve as aromatherapy but they will also exfoliate and draw out toxins from your skin.

Add in a little of your favorite essential oils.
My favorites are Lavender, Jasmine or Grapefruit.

Add in fresh, fragrant herbs like Rosemary, Lavender, Mint...  Use and combine as you like.
I used all three from my herb garden.  It feels incredible to close your eyes and take those fresh, crisp aromas in.

Throw in the lemon slices.... this is so nice to rub on your skin as you're in the bath.

Ease yourself in and take nice, easy deep breaths.  Prepare to let everything go.
The salts, the ginger and lemon  promise to drain everything out of you slowly.

Place that hot towel over your shoulders and neck. Relax.  Breathe.  Smile, it's quite alright.
That's what you were meant for.  To FEEL.  To Feel Joy.  And to relish that feeling in peace.

Remember to give this a try next time you have a few moments alone, and need to get back in touch with yourself.  Spring's new energy is back.  Make sure that you save some of that for you...

Sweet dreams.

From the garden to your bath

 

That Constant Craving...

My version of Ceviche.. or Salpicon...

You know what I'm talking about.  I know you do.  That constant craving that overtakes your thoughts from time to time.  As a matter of fact, it never quite comes at the right time.  It can even be painfully distracting.  You want what you want.  Period.

I won't lie.  It happens to me.  All the time. 

Life, faith and maturity have a way of teaching you which cravings to give into, when and how.  There's even a way to make it fun.

See, I have rules.  I need rules.  I live by them.  I don't even really know how to break them... anymore.  I'm sure there was a time that I did.  My rules are simple to follow though.  Do onto others as you would want done unto you.

One of the things that drive me the craziest in this planet, is people who think "it" can't happen to them, or that the rules somehow don't apply to them.  What makes me apprehensive about this group, is that it often starts with something small like a white lie or omission of the truth.  Harmless, right?  No, not if you are on the receiving end.

I'm not passing judgment either.  At one time or another, I've been on either side of that spectrum.  I'm only saying that maturity and fairness have a way of helping us put ourselves in someone else's shoes.  The rules apply to us all.  There will never be a way to escape that.  We can find creative ways to delay the truth, but Justice is ever so persistent.

I've found a way to give into my cravings.  I always ask myself a basic question-  

"Could the outcome either hurt others, or hurt myself?"

Today, I craved DECADENCE.  I wanted something satisfying but hard to get.  I wanted to treat myself to something delicious.

So I had that conversation with myself.  "After all of the hard work that I've been doing, do I really want or need to be setting myself back?"  

Friends, this is an important question to pose to yourself from time to time- if you're willing to give yourself an honest answer.

I've learned that we all have feelings.  They are ours.  It's okay.  However, just because we have these feelings, doesn't mean that we have to act on them.  And even if it's okay to act on them, not always do we need to act on them now.

Time and discipline have a way of acting in our favor, often guiding us with clarity.  Easier said than done. Been there.  Done that.

To that point, I remind myself that everything I am presently doing to raise my 12 year old daughter will also have an impact on the 16 year old, 23 year old, 35 year old, 57, 65 & 88 year old of her future self.

I look at myself in that very same way.  The decisions that I make for the 37 year old me, today should also be for the benefit of the 40, 42, 57, 65 and 88 year old me.  The should continue to also benefit my loved ones, and loved ones in the future.   I willingly and gratefully shoulder that responsibility to myself and those in my life.

That's why it's crucial to have people in our lives who don't necessarily tell us what we want to hear, but commit themselves to our best interests and guide us toward our best future self. Yesterday, and today were very hectic and aggravating days for me.  Interesting because I don't typically get aggravated easily.  I have a longer fuse than most.  Although, when that fuse blows, duck behind something.  Just, duck.

I've been working out intensely, and religiously. My nutrition is en pointe as always, but using my upcoming vacation as a motivator, I've reduced my caloric intake.  I don't have a long way to go really, it's just that I don't feel like doing it... so that's even more reason to be like Nike... and just DO IT.

When I really feel unmotivated, I call one of my best friends, Brett.  He knows the way my mind works all too well, and can always find an uncanny way to motivate me.  Sure, I hang up the phone cursing him out under my breath, but you know what, I know that he is right.  And, I know that his concern is not just for the 37 year old me now, but for the 40 year old that plans to be in a bikini off the Andalucian coast of Spain.  That's a friend.

My dear friend, and nutrition guru, Brett.

He's also great about finding recipes that will keep me motivated.  Brett knows that I eat berries daily, I absolutely love them.  Back when we used to work together he would often surprise me with blueberries when he came back from lunch.  Me?  Like a kid in a candy store!

Recently we were talking about how chocolate is my downfall.  Later that week he emails me a picture of raspberries stuffed with dark chocolate chips.  Both the berries and the dark chocolate are good sources of anti-oxidants, that keep you healthy, vibrant and feeling great.  You can have 10-20 of these in one sitting and it's so much better for you than a candy bar.

My dessert today.  Raspberries stuffed with DARK chocolate chips.

All day today, and yesterday, I thought about a delicious salad that I had at a restaurant in TriBeCa, NYC.  The restaurant is Flor De Sol.  Excellent in so many ways.  I highly recommend it.
The salad that I had is called Salpicon.  It's seafood, purple onion, olives, peppers in olive oil and vinegar.  I enjoyed it immensely, but since I've kept thinking about how I would make it my own.

For 2 days I have been craving that salad, and the succulent, decadent chunks of crab and scallops tingling my mouth with lemon juice, vinegar and olive oil.  Since I didn't want to go to the gym today, I decided that if I did go, and gave it my all, that I would make this salad for dinner.  That was all the intensity that I needed.  My workout ended up feeling so good that I didn't want to stop and actually went longer.

After stopping at the market and getting fresh Alaskan crab, lobster, scallops, shrimp and clams I went home and put it all together with multi-colored peppers, purple onion, black olives, pepper, a crushed garlic clove, a pinch of salt, fresh-squeezed lime, vinegar and olive oil. I'm sure you have already figured out just how much I love avocado.  You guessed it.  I'm having it as a side to the salad. Divine.

One thing though... remember that I wanted something hard to get?  Rather than buying the lump crab meat ready-made I bought the crab fresh, cooked it and shelled it myself.  Nothing beats authenticity.  Nothing.

 

Eating healthy is a beautiful thing, as long as you respect serving sizes.  I took the rest of the washed seafood, marinade, peppers, olive oil, lime juice, garlic and sealed that in a mason jar.  The acid from the vinegar and lime juice will cook the seafood inside the jar.  You can leave that in the fridge, untouched, for a couple of days.  It's A-MAZING!

It was simple, natural and the time that it took to prepare, gave me time to unwind and set my mind back at ease.  How nice it was to sit with a glass of wine, and have this  healthy and decadent meal that was not only delicious, but it was something that I really, truly wanted- and earned.

That's my point.  It's great to treat ourselves to things that we want.  It's just on a greater level when it's something good for us, that we worked hard for and earned.  When the moment comes, it is a truly delicious moment.

Muy buen provecho!

Straight from my Mom's kitchen

Hey good-lookin'!  What'cha got cookin'?

So, I bet some of you are wondering if I've been cooking, and if so why haven't written about it lately.  I would wonder too.

The truth is that while I have still been cooking, and even some new dishes that you you'd enjoy, I haven't felt compelled to necessarily write about them yet.  Part of it is that I've had challenges with the photos.  I will only use my own photos here.  The lighting in my new kitchen is not the greatest for pictures, although dynamite for ambiance.

The core of the matter is that for many reasons, I haven't "felt" it.  A year ago or so I shared with you that cooking is an emotional experience for me.  Even something simple like a salad, is not really simple for me.  I can't help but to pour my feelings into my dishes.  It really does remind me of that book (and movie) Like Water For Chocolate.

Although it may sound poetic, it can also be a burden.  Some things, and some feelings are too profound and heavy.  Sometimes, rather than to experience them all over again, I rather just put those thoughts into a safe place until I'm ready to reconcile them.

Today, is a special day however.  Today, I'm sitting in my mother's kitchen in The Bronx, NY and watching her cook.  I'm actually sitting in the same chair in the far corner of the kitchen where I told you that Mamita would sit to watch my mom cook & chat with her.  This chair is a tradition.

My daughter, brother and Dad are spending time together in the other room.  My brother occasionally comes in the kitchen to make us laugh or crack a joke.  He is one of the funniest people that I have ever met, and can make my mother and I laugh until we're in tears.  He's also scoping the kitchen and being tortured by the smell of Mami's cooking, repeatedly asking, "Is it ready yet!".  My daughter also keeps doing the same while stopping to play with the magnets on her Nanny's fridge.

Again, my brother just came into the kitchen and just looks at me with that dry sarcastic glare.  I tell him that  I'm writing about him as we speak and he says, "Defamation.", as he walks away.  That's our dynamic, dry sarcasm.  It sometimes makes our mother crazy!

I have a long drive back home and my mom wants to make sure my daughter and I eat "una comida criolla" before we leave New York City.  Home-cooked meals are just her specialty.

This is the lady who taught me to cook with my heart.  As I watch her, I see so much of myself in her.  How much she cares, how deeply she feels her emotions.  How she communicates best with her gestures.

I miss these moments so much, and I treasure them with all my heart.  I couldn't let the moment pass, so I grabbed by iPad and here I am.  I want you to be part of this moment with me.

Today Mami is making Arroz con Costillas y Guandules!  A whole delicious meal made in a traditional rice pot, that used to belong to my grandmother, Mamita.  It's spare rib tips in yellow Criolle-style rice with peas.

Mami starts off with her hand-made sofrito.  She didn't have any pre-prepared, so she does it by hand.  Some people, like my friend Omar, prefer to do it that way.  It's a matter of preference, really. I enjoy both ways of making sofrito very much!  Actually, it's how it tastes and smells that I love... and all of the memories that it brings back.

I love watching my mom in the kitchen. She puts so much love in everything.

Mami cuts culantro leaves, mashes up fresh garlic in her pilon, cuts some white & purple onions, meticulously chops cubanelle peppers and the small delicious multi-colored ajis.  She also sneaks over some fresh-cut peppers and feeds them to me while I'm typing away.  Towards the end, she adds in fresh cilantro.

The trimmed and chopped spare rib tips have been marinating in apple cider vinegar and very little oil, with Sazon, Adobo, black pepper & garlic powder.  Mix well, cover tightly and let marinate overnight in the refrigerator.

In a large pot, already heated, Mami lets the meat cook down- only partially. Once you mix through, you will notice that in the water the ribs have rendered some fat.  Mom scoops this out as much as she can to reduce the amount of fat in the dish.

Then, she smothers the ribs with the homemade sofrito, mixes it through and adds in 2 cans of Goya guandules and one can of Goya tomato sauce.  Mix through again and add your rice and water.  Let that cook through as you would normally when you make rice.  The aroma will drive you crazy!

Serve with a side of garden salad dressed in olive oil and balsamic, and a slice of avocado on the side.  Healthy, delicious Puerto-Rican comfort food!

Muy buen provecho!  

I'm going to stay a while, and enjoy watching my Mami and have her delicious food.  
... I wish that you were here with me!