We don't know what we have, until we lose it?

Tonight is hard night.  I want to be with you.  I just don't know what to say?  My heart hurts.  So many thoughts running through my mind.  So many memories too.

At times when I feel like this, I try to channel the moments where I felt...right.

You know what I thought of a little while ago?  I was wondering what I wanted to write to you tonight (I really never know until I start) and I thought that tonight I just wanted you to sit with me.  No need for words.  Sometimes just knowing that you're there is enough.

And of course, the thoughts that followed were of my grandmother and my mom...  Towards the end of Mamita's life, she lived in Jackson Heights, Queens.  My mom and I lived in the Bronx.  Mamita would take two trains and commute for over an hour, in poor health, just to be with her girls.  She knew that we needed her.  We just needed her there. 

As a young girl, I tried to be sensitive to the feelings of my loved ones but as many young ones do, I may have missed some signs.  I may have missed some moments when my mom needed me to just be there.  I would be back and forth from my room to the kitchen, stop for a while and back again. 

Looking back, I remember one of the first things that my mom would say to Mamita when she got in and settled.  Mamita would come in the kitchen and ask if she could help my mom.  My mom would smile and say, "No sientate ahi... quedate conmigo"... "No, sit there, stay with me" .  I understand that now.  I understand that so well.       

I understand my mom now.  She used to ask me the same, and still does when I go back home. 

Silence is such an ambiguous element...  sometimes it drowns and confuses.  Other times it speaks volumes and reinforces.  

It's funny how all things come full circle.  Earlier today, a friend emailed me a recipe for my favorite soup that I emailed him a year ago, suggesting that I should write about that...
 Later this afternoon, my mom referred to a post I made last night on Facebook's Sofrito Disciple page where I asked, "What meal would you want to be remembered by?"  

My mom asked me what I would remember her by the most and I said two things.  First, her pork chops with rice and beans.  You have to take my word for it, sounds simple but the flavor that she packs into that is amazing.

I would get excited climbing up to our 4th floor apartment because when she would cook that I could smell it as soon as I came into our building and it was so incredible.  The second was the same soup that my friend reminded me about today.

What amazes me about that is that soup is what I cook when I'm sad.  Don't feel bad about that!  Sadness brought me to you.  If you recall our first meeting Reader, was the night of Hurricane Irene.  I made that seafood soup and poured my heart into that, then told you about it.  That was my very first entry...  That brought me to you... Asopa'o De Camarones.

Random, I know.  What is it about soup anyway?  Is it a metaphor for how we assimilate pain?  We take beautiful, fresh ingredients and throw them in hot boiling water.  I feel like that some times.  I feel like that now.  Then I remind myself, that in the end that soup becomes warm, nurturing and revitalizing.  And so do we.  Life sometimes breaks us down and in the end nurtures our soul to make us better.

Before I started writing tonight I was reminded of a life lesson that I despise, the cliche "You don't know what you have until you lose it".  I don't like that saying, because I know just how true it is.  What wouldn't I give to once again be at my grandmother's door and greet her as I always did?  To take my grandmother's face, with her soft skin, and kiss her forehead again while she looked at me so lovingly? 

It's true.  You don't really know what you have, until you lose it. 

So learn.   

Tonight, I'll leave you with that very simple but treasured recipe...  My spin on Puerto Rican Ham soup...  

Sopa De Jamon

 (You can use any meat for this really...)

 Buy a ham steak.  They go for under $4. 

We also chop up a few pieces of salami.  We usually use the Spanish-style but go with your preference.

Cut it in cubes and put it in a pot, med high.

Chop onions, celery, peppers (different colors are nice), carrots and potatoes.
Add two table spoons of Goya pitted olives

Mix everything.

Add about 1/3 cup of reccao’.  Add 2 envelopes of Sazon with color.  Add Oregano. Basil is optional but I like it. 

Add a can of tomato sauce 

Add Water (pot 3/4 full)

Add some fideos or noodles when the soup is almost complete, but not too much or it will dry your soup out.

Let simmer until veggies are soft.  Add additional salt and pepper to taste.  You can garnish with fresh cilantro and shredded asiago or parm cheese (just a little).

This goes extremely well with Tostones (twice fried plantains- see previous recipe).  The warm flavors married in the soup with the cripy saltiness of tostones.  So delicious.  

I hope you enjoy this,,,  it brings back so many soothing memories for me. 

Muy Buen Provecho!